When the Path Leads to an Empty Womb

Remember that time you and I took a stroll down that stone path on that beautiful sunny day? Do you remember the stone we walked on? It was laid so strategically with so much thought and purpose. The path showed so clearly the hard work and dedication two hands had poured into it. I remember we talked about the beauty of the stone, but I was saddened by the many stones that were worn and starting to come out of the ground. But yet, the path still portrayed its purpose even though it was worn. Remember how I tried my hardest to avoid the worn stones so that I wouldn’t trip on them? The further we got on the path, the harder it was to avoid the stone. I remember telling you that we should have taken a different path, but you insisted that this was the right path for me to be on. Because this path was going to lead us straight to our destination even if it had its bumps and wear along the way. I trusted you even thought I questioned you at times.

On a cold winter January morning, I was waking up to a typical day in my home. Like every day for a year I was carrying the same weight that had become just as normal to me as carrying my shirt on my back. A weight that maybe you have felt before. The weight that a lot of women have felt. Every day and every moment my heart cried over my vacant womb. For a year I had longed for a third child. Oh the agony I felt, the pain down to my core and the unexplainable guilt I felt.  “At least you already have 2 kids,” someone told me once. She was right. God had blessed us with 2 beautiful children. ‘Who do I think I am that I have a right to feel this way?’ I asked myself.IMG_7016.jpgThe weight continued to feel heavier by the end of the day like every other day. The clock struck 8:00 PM and we walked our blessings to their beds, tucked them in and prayed.

The house was quiet and my husband and I started soaking in the peaceful sounds of our little farmhouse. During that evening a moment that I knew all too well had come. Sitting in that bathroom for what seemed like the 50th time waiting for a second line. My life depended on that test to tell me ‘yes’ or ‘no’. I had faced nothing but ‘no’ for a year. I told myself that if I got one more ‘no’ then I give up, but the next month would come and I would be just as hopeful again. ‘Why do I keep doing this to myself?’ I would ask.

I stared at that blank space on the test just waiting for even a small glimpse of a line. I stared. and stared. and stared for what seemed like eternity. Then just when I was about to throw the test and my hope in the trash, I saw it. That second line was there. Blinking over and over again trying to believe my eyes. I walked out of the bathroom to my husband and in that moment I had different kind of tears. Tears I hadn’t felt falling down my cheeks in a long time. Tears of joy. A weight was lifted that night and I felt free.

‘Thank you Lord for this gift’, I said.

Remember the stone path we were reminiscing about before? It truly was beautiful wasn’t it? I can’t help thinking about the different variations of stone and how they became one path that’s one purpose is to support you as you walk to a specific destination. No matter how imperfect the stones are.

On January 15, 2015, it was a typical day in our home. Playing with toys, building blocks and singing songs with my littles. I wasn’t carrying a weight anymore. I was carrying my child whom I had prayed for, inside me, but I felt totally weightless and full of complete joy.IMG_6986_1.jpgThen in a moment everything changed. I must have blinked because in a second my life had taken a turn that I didn’t see coming. I was side swiped by a weight heavier than I even knew existed. My womb was empty again. Just like that. My child was gone. I was walking down this beautiful stone path and I didn’t even see the imperfect stone sticking out of the ground. I didn’t see it at all. I hit the ground so hard that it shattered me to the core.

It’s hard for me to even look back at this day because the pain of losing a child I never had the honor to even meet face to face cuts so deep, but let me tell you something I learned, that stone path is still beautiful in spite of its imperfect stones.

“…that stone path is still beautiful in spite of its imperfect stones.”

I remember lying in my bed crying tears I hadn’t felt in a while. Tears of pain. I glanced down at my tattooed arm and read, “The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.”IMG_7091‘Yes, Elisa. Be still. Breathe in. Breathe out. He will fight for you. He will fight. Let Him fight for you. Be still.’ I repeated these words over and over in my head just longing for my heart to hear these words the same. As I laid there, I turned on some music to drown out the sound of my tears. I listened closely.

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul.”

I have hit many imperfect stones on my stone pathway, but even then, It is well with my soul. The incredible thing is that those stones may look worn and old, but our path was created by a faithful and holy God and because of that these stones are perfect in their imperfection. Isn’t it amazing how God created a path for each one of us? Each stone laid with perfect detail and with specific purpose. A great and magnificent God thought of you and He thought of me. There have been moments I have seen a glimpse of a stone sticking up in my path ahead. ‘I’m going to walk around that stone when I reach it’, I say to myself. But then I can’t avoid it and in the end I see its purpose and I see God’s unending grace every time.

“…our path was created by a faithful and holy God and because of that these stones are perfect in their imperfection.”

Remember when we stood at the beginning of this stone path? “Which way should we go?” I asked. You responded, “Take the longer path and I’ll be with you the whole way.”

Losing a child was not easy and I carried that weight again for 2 more years and lost another child during that time. But His grace is sufficient. Every time. Is that always easy to say? Never! It is never easy to say, but because of His commitment to walking next to me on this stone path no matter what the path is like, I can trust Him with my life.

So many times as I walked this path I questioned why I took it, but God has reminded me that every time I reach one of those stones, I have a choice. I can either trip over it, fall to the ground and lie there in my agony or I can trip over it, fall to the ground and lie there in His grace as He fights for me.IMG_7293.jpg

“I can either trip over it, fall to the ground and lie there in my agony or I can trip over it, fall to the ground and lie there in His grace as He fights for me. “

To my mamas out there who are currently lying on the ground in agony. Feeling like the weight is so heavy that you can’t stand on your own. Don’t do it on your own. Lay there as long as you need to, but lie in His grace. He is our ultimate comfort and healer. When you are ready to stand again, let Him carry you. He will carry all your weight for you because our God is just that great!

Do you Remember when we reached the end of the stone path? Ya, I don’t either, because we aren’t there yet, but I have heard it is perfect in spite of these perfect imperfections along the way. In fact, it is perfect for eternity. Just keep walking in His peace with Him alongside you. Don’t watch your step, don’t worry about the stones ahead, just look ahead and keep walking.IMG_7299.jpg





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